Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
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MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?