@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

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@dave_cactus

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

@markleggett

I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.

@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

@MsSugar_Kisses

“You should leave your wife…” The secret note I leave on my husband’s windshield every morning…

@Gupton68

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

@tonyhawk

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over