Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone