I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt