Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
You Might Also Like
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I鈥檇 want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I鈥檓 not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 馃槱
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he鈥檚 now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’m an avid indoorsman.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves