Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…