Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
2023 was just a warmup
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
every olympics i turn into this guy
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.