Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Bobby pin

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

Bear

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.