Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Cashiers are always checking me out
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”