Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Things will get butter, keep churning