Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
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The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
why am I working on Labor Day
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*