Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Optional boss fight.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.