Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.