funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
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The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.