funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Mistakes were made
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”