funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
spot the difference
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*