funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?