funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
You Might Also Like
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Stop making fast and furious movies.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
