funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]