funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements