Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex