funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
those birds must be on payroll
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Yup.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work