Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

CUTE CAT‼︎

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.