Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden