Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.