Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.