Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.