Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
british sex workers really pound for pound
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I unironically love this joke.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg