Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
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Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Terribly Tuesday.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day