#FunnyLife Insects
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.