Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

😂

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.