#FunnyLife Insects
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say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
awkward
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!