#FunnyLife Insects
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute