@funTweeters
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*