@funTweeters
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Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Meow?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Become ungovernable.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.