@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.