@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
