Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

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