Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

good morning

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)