Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Fruity

⛄️

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

barbara was highly relatable