@funTweeters I am at your service….
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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Suuuuure
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it