@funTweeters I am at your service….
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[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I asked which vaccine she got馃拃馃拃馃拃
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn鈥檛 named after a letter?
Welcome to your 50鈥檚, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 馃槶
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I鈥檓 swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old鈥檚 shouting
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Some people can鈥檛 sleep because they have insomnia. I can鈥檛 sleep because I have internet connection.