@funTweeters I am at your service….
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in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
dutch is not a serious language
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
(2022)
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.