Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did a big green poo by a canal

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

#winning

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.