Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”