Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits