Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.