Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.