Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

The government even made aliens boring

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

ㅤ

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: