Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Coffee for people with no kids

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

The Assassin.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.