Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”