@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. πππ
You Might Also Like
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because youβd expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say oneβ¦
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while weβre having sex?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy howβd u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. Iβm averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] Itβs called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
βOur jeanetic inheritanceβ
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Whereβs the artist?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a βphoqueβ and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Going back in time, yβall need anything?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
nyc:
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
when youβre a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
What is a Sherpa?
βLet me summit up for you.β
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Donβt you hate it when youβre on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and itβs all like
β No more than 80 hours per week!
β 4 days guaranteed off per month!
β Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT⦠PLEASE.