@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. πππ
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Someoneβs hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Π never thought Π wouId say thΡs, and Ρt took me a whΡle to come to terms, but Π thΡnk Π ate too much bacon.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Signed up to be a diplomat. Wonβt need a vaccine cause Iβll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: βSorry about the damage, but Iβve patched it up so you probably canβt even see it.β
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Cashier: βHave a great day!β
Me: βNo thank you.β
itβs like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
LAWYER: ur dad’s estateβ
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: Iβm all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.