Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Children of the corn 🌽

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

*weighs self after shaving

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

HOW DARE YOU

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

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