Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.