Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Nothing.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.