Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫