@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
What
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.