@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.