Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?