Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

ㅤ

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1195764328600948736/pu/vid/966x720/4YTbIT3hkx2AS7g3.mp4?tag=10

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.