Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD