Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.