Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

I try

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”