@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Well well well…
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
reminder
