Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.