Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Fight

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.