Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.