Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.