Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board