Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

everyone has that one prude friend

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Love is always patient and kind.