[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.