[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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Just parrot things
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”